In The Meantime

A Womans World

2011-11-28T04:57:00.000-08:00

I’ve been doing a lot of reading over the last 8 years; I must have read well over 50 self help books, psychology books and attended so many self-help seminars that the number of talks that I have attended slips my memory. I’ve been trying to learn about life and how to cope with being me in this wide world and how to survive in this modern world and my god it’s an understatement to say that I’ve had a lot to learn. The good thing for you the reader is that you can save up to ten years of your life through using a mentor. When I first read that statement about 6 years ago I did not believe it or let’s say I was sceptical but now I have seen it for myself after having many mentors over the past 8 years that I feel it would be unjust for me not to pass on the significant points that I have learnt. Mentors are everywhere; they come in all different shapes and sizes but have one thing in common they always turn up just as you need them. In a way they are like guardian angels, sometimes they stick around for your whole life time other times they just come into your life teach you a few important lessons and then leave again. Sometimes they teach negative lessons to keep you away from harm; life is after all a long learning curve.

For some people the following information will be nothing new so I don’t know why I missed out on these life lessons, maybe it’s because it’s not taught in schools, maybe its because I just wasn’t paying attention, I don’t know but I am glad that I know them now. I started reading and researching after having my third child, the responsibility of children weighed heavy on me and I wanted to be able to teach them things which they could carry into their adult world. I also suffered badly with post natal depression and depression in general so I learning how people live their lives was also a search for how I could live my own life to the fullest. It’s been a real journey of discovery all round. Above all and everything I have learnt that Love is the most powerful emotion in the Universe, that those who do not have it suffer a lonely life but those who share it have it where ever they go.

The most important thing that I have to pass over to you the reader is that everything in Life has a lesson/experience for you. Every experience carries both opportunities and disadvantages but you must reflect on them in order to use in the future otherwise they will keep showing themselves in different formats until you can overcome them. A bit like that song says “that don’t kill me, only makes me stronger”. Sometimes it just destiny as to what time and space you are currently in as to what you are experiencing or going through. If you think about it logically, it makes sense.

What were you doing six months ago?

What do you think you will be doing in 6 months time?

You can answer what you were doing 6 months ago because you can think back, the time has already passed. What do you think you will be doing in 6 months time is totally down to you. It’s the future and it’s much of a blank canvas with the past influencing it. How would you answer?

Your mind might instruct you to think about answering like this, “based on your fear of failure/current level of success it is best to you keep within the safe and comfortable zone of what you have been doing so far (your current routine)” and your mind wants to keep it that way for your own protection.

The opposite more emotional side lets call it your ego tells you “but we also need to grow as humans beings spiritually, emotionally and I’m not happy with this current situation, that’s the reason you are yearning to do whatever it is that you want to do”.

If you were feeling totally at ease with your situation then these feelings of unrest would not come into your mind in the first place instead you would be feeling totally contented. Logic keeps people where they are and emotions get people into action.

At this point you begin to feel unrest in yourself because now you are tossing between doing what your mind is comfortable and safe doing or taking a chance and just jumping in at the dead end, doing something extreme because your emotions/ego are telling you to. This struggle of the mind and the ego causes resistance to change which in turn causes inertia. Have you ever noticed how tired you become when you change your routine in life? I’m talking about the slightest change that can make you feel absolutely exhausted. This is resistance, your mind wants you to stay within that comfort zone and when you make changes it becomes scared. Unknown territory is always scary and your mind does not want you to take risks, so whilst you build this new routine into your life you will experience resistance to change. You will often find this when you are taking on a new job, exercise routine, learning something new.

Which one should you do, taking into consideration that the goal, the change, the perception whatever you want to name it is down to something as simple as a change of heart also called perception or at this point it could just be a temporary desire as you can never be 100% sure.

So back to my original question, “what will you be doing in 6 months time?” most people would answer the question based on their past as they wish to keep within the safety zone as instructed by the mind. It’s scary to do something out of the ordinary and it can trigger the fight/flight mode in a person.

Whatever you want to make a change to in regards to what time and space you are currently in you have to remember that almost all situations have outside influences which affect the decisions that we make and can have repercussions that are both negative and positive. If you want to take a risk and venture out of your comfort zone then make it a calculated risk rather than a blind risk.

The lovely and most precious thing about being a child is that you do not have to take responsibility for your action (up to a degree) and you are free to experiment in your imaginary world with no or minimal restrictions. As we get older we do become responsible for our actions and now our imagination has to think not only about the fantasy things but also has to relate our great ideas to reality, that’s why we must make our risks calculated ones. The last question I want to ask you is how much of what was going on in your life 6 months ago is relevant to what is going on in your life today, at this very moment? It’s funny isn’t it because for most of us time is moving very fast and each year, month or day brings its own problems as well as its own challenges and rewards and the worries of 6 months ago are long forgotten so knowing that fact you should realize that it cannot be an excuse for not making the changes in your life that you desire.

So no matter what you have decided to do with your life or goals/changes the good news that I can bring you is that there is no such thing as failure in this life, there is only a loss of time and that’s what keeps people coming back from what we see as the deepest failures or losses in their life or careers, you can always make a fresh start, wipe the slate clean but failure is only true when you have personally made a decision to quit trying all together. As long as you are trying you are making an active effort of moving towards your desire/goal/change you cannot fail until you decide to quit trying.

The first thing you must decide is what you want to make a change to. You must also remember that the only person that you can make changes to is yourself and this is most important to remember especially if you want to make changes to a personal relationship. Personal relationships carry many emotions and they become tricky at times and confusion can set in, it can become so confusing in a personal relationship that you can end up loosing your own personality or self which if it reaches an extreme situation can lead to a mental/physical break down, so you must always be cautious with your emotional thoughts because they can be totally irrational in times of severe stress. Then you must decide how motivated you are to make the changes that you desire because any change requires dedication/commitment and belief. Without belief in yourself you will never succeed, its absolutely paramount to reaching your desire/goal/change.

Lets take the personal relationship change again and for example say that you want to leave a cheating partner, you know what you have to do which is to separate, you can se the logic in the decision but for some reason you just keep getting back with him/her time after time. Why can’t you make the change you want? One reason is resistance as I said earlier, the fear of not being able to survive on your own. To make any changes you have to make sacrifices and in the case of ending or making serious changes to personal relationships you have to sacrifice the good in that relationship as well as the bad things, you were once in love with this person and they meant the world to you and its very emotional having to let go of those strong feelings but at the same time these strong feeling can give you the motivation to make the desired changes, whether its to end the relationship or lay down some rules of acceptable behaviour. The other option in this particular situation is to carry on with the relationship exactly the way it is but accepting that the lies and deceit are going to eat you up inside eventually and turn you into someone you may not recognise in a few years time. Either decision takes strength so it’s a matter of choice in the end.

So now you have decided what it is you want to change; now you must think about what you want to change it to and it must be very clear and precise so that you create a measuring tool for yourself. By being clear and precise you will recognise when you have reached the change that you desired. How will the change/goal/desire change your life, what benefit will it bring to you?

For example the change that you want to make is financial and you state your goal as I want to have more money, I desire more money. The problem is what is more money? To some people a few extra pounds can be having more money to another person having more money means an extra 5K, 10K, 200K so in order not to cause confusion in your mind you must be clear on what it is you want.

At the moment I have only talked about personal relationships and money but the changes can be anything and everything to changes to your living situation, emotional changes, routine changes, self-esteem, inter-personal relationship changes it does not matter what sort of change it all boils down to the same thing.

First it’s a realization that you want to make a change, then it’s a clear image of what that change is and how it is going to benefit your life/situation then followed by a combination of visualization and letting changes take place by accepting them and living as though you already have the changes you desire. Sounds complicated I know but totally possible and happening all over the world in different forms.

Writing down your thought, desires and progress is a powerful tool when trying to make changes to important things in your life. Many books say that if you write you goal down then you are already half way to reaching it. It provides your mind with clarity and in moments when you feel inertia setting in you have something to refer back to. There are many websites where you can print off free goal setting project worksheets to keep a rack of your progress as well as DVD’s like The Secret and its sequel The Opus which talk more in depth about making changes in your life. One thing that I feel is not written about enough in the self help books is the stage of reaching your desire/goal. So by now you know what your desire is and what it looks like, you also need to know what joy it’s going to bring into your life. I assume that it’s going to bring Joy or some sort of ease to your life because otherwise why would you desire it, but what happens once you have it. I have found that when you are very close to receiving your desired outcome resistance will rear itself many more times sometimes as emotional triggers (can take all different forms) that will hold you back from embracing the change/desire/goal that you have been working so hard to achieve. Why? I don’t really know but my study of people has made me believe that some of us suffer from being addicted to stress. For some people if there is no stress in their lives then they are totally lost, their struggle is not their goals/desires, its being able to live a stress free life so no matter how many goals they reach its just never enough, there is always another huddle to get over before satisfaction is attained. What these persons ultimate goal consists of is being able to be at one with themselves. Sometimes this type of person is also known to be self-destructive or to others seem to be totally selfish but I think it’s more of a personal struggle of learning to live with yourself. It’s a phrase I have heard many times…the hardest person to live with is you.

where to have a good coffee, good food and where to avoid

2011-08-27T07:14:00.000-07:00

Wok www.wokdirecto.com

The Wok is situated in Antiguo Restaurant Cantora Next to: C.C. Parque Miramar. Tel: 952 666 030

The Wok is a buffet restaurant serving Chinese, Thai and Japanese food to suit all tastes. It has various food stations which have either ready to eat food or food which you take to the cooks to either cook by grill or wok, stand back at the Wok though cause it gets real fiery. There is a wide variety to suit everyone from the youngsters to the grans without teeth and all of its absolutely delicious and a fun way to dine. They are open for lunch which is a set price and close from 5pm and reopen at 7pm for dinner which is a few more euros but whether you go for lunch or dinner I guarantee you will not be disappointed. So far the Wok is my favourite restaurant and I have visited three of there branches so far Fuengirola, Benalmadena and Malaga and in all three sites their staff have been welcoming and friendly and the food always a delight. *****

L’Espresso Virginia

Situated in the Parque Miramar shopping centre Fuengirola

The coffee is great with that little bit of froth that makes it just yummy. The menu offers a good selection of cakes and savouries but the staff who are waiting the tables are often miserable and leave you waiting a long time if you do want to order a second drink. The prices are from reasonable to expensive but with it being the only other coffee shop at this side of the shopping centre it’s a great little watering hole but don’t expect great service.**

Pandelux Café

Situated in Pinomar right next to the BP station N340 Marbella

This lovely little Café is hidden behind The Viva Estate agents next to the BP station but is well worth looking out for. The staff are warm, welcoming and friendly. There is outdoor and indoor seating and an indoor play area for the kids. The menu offers a selection of drinks, cakes and savouries at reasonable prices. It also has free WIFI, a cigarette machine for the naughty smoking sinners and ice cold frappachinos making it the perfect pit stop whether you are on your own, with friends or with the whole family. They also do a take away service.****

A Busy Old Day

2011-08-17T06:51:00.001-07:00

16/08/11 – A Busy old Day by Dwayne

Today we woke up and ate our favourite breakfast (Spanish breakfast) which is toasted bread with olive oil on top and tomatoes, this taste so good and is a healthy way to start the day off. We’d decided the previous day that we was going to go into Marbella town centre to get Murilyn’s ID laminated for her new job starting Saturday evening. When we arrived we found a copy shop straight away, it only cost us €1.00, the guy in the shop was quite friendly he gave us a dvd after asking where we was from this was titled there is a hope for your life, think he was very religious.

After this we went to the café, the same one that we’d been to before, the service was a bit awful in there and the bloke serving seemed to have an attitude problem as he slammed down my coke and glass on the table ???? Wont be going there again plus the churos was cheap crap that you can buy in the supermarket, not the same as the proper one available. Afterwards we went to the chemist to see if I could get some anti-biotic for my chest infection, but the man said you need a prescription. We felt hungry so we went for a Chinese, this was nice but not as good as the wok in Fuengirola, whilst sitting there I started feeling very ill, even Murilyn knew I was ill as she said I should go to see the Dr, I agreed for once as I felt like crap. We got to the hospital and the nutter was there thinking that we’d followed her or something? She is not all the ticket and has been missing for 4 days now, she took Louis’s bike and this was the first time we’d seen her since she rode past us the other day. We call her the nutter because she is one of the characters from the house, when we moved here Louise said be careful of her as she would steal your food and stuff. We was in the wrong part of the hospital anyway, we eventually found A&E, sat down after 5 minutes I was called into a room and tagged with a hospital number around my wrist, got asked a lot of questions then got told to wait in the waiting room to see a consultant.

After about 40 minutes in the waiting room I was called into room 4 the doctor was very friendly and helpful and examined me then gave me a prescription for various drugs to take and said that I had bronchitis and some blockage in my ear with fever also.

We came back to find the house locked up and no one home, I had to climb over the wall to get us in, after me and Murilyn had a shower we headed back to Marbella to pick up my prescription and a hair dye for Murilyn, all the drugs added up to just over €16.00’s. After we had a coffee and walked around a bit before heading home. We have done a fair bit today.

getting the police check in Malaga

2011-08-14T09:40:00.001-07:00

11/08/2011

We got up and out by half 8 and made it to Malaga but half ten which was not bad going. First things first was to get some breakfast so we stopped at a nice little café inside the shopping mall which set us back E10.30. Somehow I just know that we are going to end up spending a fortune today. It had already cost us E14.00 to get here, E1.20 for photo copying …total spend so far E25.50. So I know roughly where the place is and we set off in that direction. On the way there I got a call from Club La Costa….yeah baby I got the Job. Starting on the 22^nd of this month I am officially training to be a Club la Costa holiday advisor. I had applied for this job three times so far and now I had a yes at last, just goes to show once again, if at first you don’t succeed try and try again. Well Happy. Dwayne and I had a little dance of happiness and then back to the matter at hand of finding this police check office. We walked towards the harbour and the place was supposed to be near the main bus station but as yet we had seen no sign so we went into the tourist office who told us to get on a number 14 bus and get off at the last stop. We thanked him for his totally useless information and then went to the internet shop to look up the address again. As the saying goes “you can’t see what’s right under your nose”, well we were on the actual road that we were looking for it was just five doors away. The sign for the office was a 3 x 3 little plaque…very useful. We trotted up to the second floor to collect the form and then off to off to the nearest bank to pay the fee of E3.58. Back to the office to get the residencia and other paperwork checked and then they printed off the police check and it was all done. The sun was blazing so we stopped for a drink and a rest as we had walked at least 2 miles by this point and Dwayne legs were paining him. Another E2.80 spent on drinks. Then we looked for a euro store to buy batteries but found McDonalds instead costing us E11.40. Wanting not to blow any more cash we headed back to the bus station to get the bus home which cost us E17.32 in total. Mission complete and we had to do now was to find some batteries and arrange to meet up with Sam asap (who is the owner of the care agency). We stopped off in Marbella before getting the final bus; I spoke to Sam who arranged an interview for 15.30 the following day and we bought some batteries at the euro store.Total spend for the day E60.52. OH to be home that night felt just great. I’ve been leaning my German again as it will definitely help me a lot in both jobs and it’s going great, so far I am up to CD 5 with Michel Thomas we are also trying to learn Spanish from the same tutor but that seems to be a bit more tricky to learn.

To the police station we go

2011-08-14T09:37:00.001-07:00

10/08/2011

Yesterday we went to the police station to get my residencia in order to get the police check done, all this running up and down is proving expensive and I just hate not having a car, luckily though the bus came straight away and the regular queue outside the police station was not too bad and we all got seen and out of there by half ten but then unfortunately there where some complications with my NIE number and we had to wait around for a few hours until the police guy called me and we went back at twelve and collected the documents. Dwayne was well pissed of because I was charged E10.20 for the residencia and he had been charged E16.00 just for his NIE when there was a sign on the door at the front stating that NIE’s cost E9.18 we tried to find out why Dwayne had paid so much and had filled out the same form as I was now filling out for the residencia but they just said if he wanted a residencia he would have to pay another E10.20. He was not happy and kept on asking but they were having none of it. The NIE is all you need for most jobs so he left it at that. The prices for each required document seem to vary a lot so I don’t know why he paid E16.00 suppose we’ll never know.

More importantly are the riots that are happening in the UK. It’s just crazy and scary and seeing it on the news made me fear for Jae and Olivia especially because they are in London. Chloe not so much so because Essex has so far been unaffected by the riots. I called them all and Jae was feeling very scared and planned to stay inside until it all blows over. Olivia was with her aunt and her nan and Tony out at work as usual. It’s weird to be so far away but everyone is fine.

We had planned to go to Malaga today to get the police check done, it feels like the pressure is on to start earning some money as we are down to our last 500 euros now but yesterday took it out of us and we woke up late so we are going to have to make it tomorrow now, as its about 55km’s away its going to take at least 2 ½ hours to get there on the bus. I downloaded the form today and found out roughly where it is so hopefully we shouldn’t have too much trouble finding it. Real proper boredom is setting in now for the both of us, although we have got a lot sorted out with the needed documents and a place to live and the work is in the pipeline, some days seem to be long with not much to do. The 40 hours of garden maintenance is the only thing that is keeping us busy but apart from that the rest of the day is our own and with no car everywhere is a mission to get to but hey I should not complain as our stresses are minimal. The local café has WIFI and we’ve been going there most days to get films to watch and email and stuff but its costing us 6 to 7 euros each time we go there so we’ll have to find an alternative to that pretty soon. Dwayne legs is still hurting him from the mirror accident and bless him although he complains very little about the pain there is a big lump developing which looks like its full of fluid on the opposite side of his ankle. I keep saying lets go to the hospital but he won’t.

08/08/11

2011-08-08T08:11:00.001-07:00

08/08/11

Dam frigging bloody hell we set the alarm to get up at half 6 for another jaunt to the Marbella police station to get my NIE and residency (again) but we just cold not get up so that’s going to be a delay in collecting them and starting the new job. Unless you get there by about 8 am there is no way your going to get seen that day, have to go tomorrow without question. It’s been hard to get into a regular sleeping pattern because the nights are hot maybe like 25-28 degrees and because both of our routines have changed dramatically it takes a lot of getting used to. Dwayne got a call from one of the jobs we applied for via email with an interview at 11 tomorrow. Fingers crossed and this time he is going to dress to impress.

We met a beggar last week in Fuengirola, it was our second encounter with him as he tried to spin us the same yarn again for the second time we ended up chatting about how he had become to being a beggar. He explained that he had been on the coast for seven years and up to last October had a good life here. His girlfriend chucked him out In October and he ended up coming to Fuengirola and was begging to get by after just being released from serving a six month prison sentence for something he should not have done. He was very smelly like most beggars I suppose but I felt sorry for him, we didn’t give him the 1 euro he asked us for repeatedly but told him that he was in a sorry state and should seriously think about his future. It was weird cause it made me realise just how fortunate we have been since arriving here.

Fourth Saturday

2011-08-06T07:36:00.000-07:00

06/08/2011

It’s Saturday and although we have only been here 3 ½ weeks we have had 4 interviews and 3 job offers between us. I’ve done it before twice just made huge changes and landed straight on my feet like a cat. It’s not been all plain sailing and I know we still have a long way to go but it’s a positive start. Everything is going in the right direction we just need to keep pushing on. I called up an agency yesterday that are looking for carers all I need to do now is sort out getting a police check done in Malaga and I can start work straight away. We are both in constant contact with the children and missing them, I think out of everyone its hit Chloe that hardest although she is the eldest she still loves her mummy cuddles, she starts Uni at the end of September so maybe she’ll be able to get out here for at least a long weekend before that. Flights are pricey at the moment but they usually go down after the second week in September so fingers crossed. Monday we are getting another car which will make life so much easier for us. Today we are on a mission to find some bits and bobs for the kids that we can post of on Monday.

03/08/2011

2011-08-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

03/08/2011 – Dwayne

Murilyn had her Job interview today, was really very proud off her as I knew she was nervous but knew that she would be okay, the job sounds very promising. Club la costa seems to be a good employer to work for over here in Spain. We arrived there this morning and as normal we walked the wrong way round, after walking up just a few very high hills we eventually found it ok.

On the way there this morning I received a phone call regarding a job interview which I have tomorrow afternoon at 14:00. Hopefully we will both be earning very soon.

The weather here has been so nice, is really hot in the day time and seems to make me and Murilyn tired around 3 pm (lol), But then they are more nocturnal in Spain than in England, this has taken some getting used to still, but am still loving the different lifestyle here, it makes you feel alive.

02/08/2011

2011-08-02T10:47:00.001-07:00

02/08/2011

Well time sure does fly and my initial idea of blogging every day has just gone clean out of the water and almost a week and a half has gone by. Dwayne has almost broken his ankle when he was moving a chest of drawers that has a large mirror flimsily attached to it which fell off the screws and straight onto his ankle. At first we though it might be broken, we did a mad bit of research on the net and were totally convinced that it was. We were going to get it looked at by the hospital which is just walking distance from our base but we went and had iced coffees instead cause he did not want to go in the end. Almost 2 weeks have passed and the swelling has gone down and although it’s still very sore but it can’t be broken because surely he’d be in a lot more pain than he is. Then on the same day he almost got arrested in Puerto Banus.

We had another job interview set up in Miramar Fuengirola to sell sun cream to the tourists on the beach via hotels that have already been set up but we decided not to go for the interview as it was commission only and the lady interviewing told us that we would struggle without car as there were three major areas to cover.

Ah how we are struggling without the car the bus service is not as good as I had remembered it being back in 2006 and if we go out anywhere it seems to take forever to get back home. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and not being able to afford to hire or buy a car right now has made us have to be grounded and we are walking around our new local area and finding out what’s available around here. The daily temperature of around 35 – 40 degrees has been a lot to get used to and the sweat has been dripping off us like no-ones beeswax. We have had to adjust to the siesta times as well as just not venturing out of the house at the hottest times of the day.

We’ve been to the Wok restaurant in Fuengirola twice now; it’s my absolute favourite place and looks like Dwayne is falling for the place too. He is totally out of his comfort zone and seems to love it, at first I wondered if it would all be too much for him but it’s been just great and very funny so far, lots of twists and turns still to come I’m sure. I’m so proud of him.

There was major shit at the weekend in the uk at my mums and just at the wrong timing as Chloe, Jae and Olivia were going down to spend the weekend there together. My cousin Claire had already been there for two nights and when her and my mum get together they like to put there opinions about everything and cuss everyone, I’m usually I’m the main topic of discussion and with having left the children with their dads it was bound to be a heated discussion. The first whiff I got of it was my mum’s eldest foster child whom we see more as a nephew and younger brother on the phone to me revealing just some of what had been said. My main concern was for my kids and my foot starting aching with worry that they would be in the middle of all the stress. I called my cousin Claire the next day who basically tried to deny that she and my mum had been bad mouthing me, she was on her way home by this time as Jae and her son had a bit of a fall out that morning. She in turn called my mum and so it went on for two days till it all settled down. The kids had a good weekend which I was glad about. What I have never been able to understand my whole life is how a mum can criticise and put down her own kids as much as my mum does, I have had it all my life and now with this episode I just wonder if that’s why I wanted to just get away from it all, its so hurtful and unnecessary and totally pointless.

Upwards and onwards as our job hunt continues and I have a job interview with Club La Costa tomorrow as a Holiday Advisor. We found out the hard way that some job places over her do not like to take on couples on the same department as I revealed that Dwayne was also applying for a position with them so instead of both of us getting interviewed it’s just me. The job hunt has been on a daily basis via the internet and the local free English papers that come out once a week.

Finally a break throughm

2011-07-25T15:50:00.001-07:00

20/07/2011

The guy that I had spoken to the day before asked me to call to confirm before we left San Pedro heading for his place so we did and he rearranged the meeting time for 2 o’clock. His voice sounded so familiar and I was sure that I had worked for him on a brief project the last time that I was here in Spain. So now we had checked out of the Hostel and were back in the car with three hours to waste. We headed down to Marbella so I could show Dwayne around and to get the last of our money out of the bank. The time flew by and we headed down to the appointment. Low and behold it was the same guy that I had worked for before, what a coincidence that we would cross paths again and that now I would be living at his house. It was a beautiful huge house with a pool, a gym, sauna and all. There were two rooms available so we got first pick and of course we chose the one with the view of the pool. As he had known me previously we did not have to put down any deposit and agreed to work 40 hours a month between us in exchange for the room. It felt surreal that in just six days we had managed to land a job (although we turned it down) and find a place to live rent free. In just these few days we had gone from roughing it in the car to having a base. You just can’t imagine the relief we felt because if something had not come along by the Friday we would have been without the car to sleep in and stuck walking around with our suitcases, we only had enough money to stay somewhere for a possible 2/3more nights before being skint. If there is a God out there then he is definitely looking out for us and for that we were truly grateful. A comfortable bed at last and a place we could call home for now.

Missing the Kids

It such an odd feeling to be without the most important people in your life, although Chloe and Jae are old enough to care for themselves the reality that the 3 of them are not here with me was just starting to kick in as I was showing Dwayne all the places we had been to together. It only now that I realized how much of fantastic life we had made for ourselves in 2008. I was calling them every day but it’s not the same as being there in person. Just six days ago I was dropping Olivia off to school every day and just doing the daily mum things which I did and loved doing and now it was just me and Dwayne, it was a nice adventure but the tears rolled down every time I looked at a photo of them.

The Story so far

2011-07-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

19/07/2011

So the situation so far is that we have left our five children in the UK with their other parent and one with their grand parent. We have just over £800 to our name and have already spent almost £500. We have no home or job prospects right now and are just living on a hope that something is going to come along. The Big dream before we left was to make a better lives for our selves out here and to create a space where the kids can come on holiday but the reality of it is that we have slept rough in the car for 2 nights out of five. We have washed in a public toilet facility twice and have been eating cold food from any supermarket that we can because there is no way that we can afford to eat out at restaurants or our money will dwindle away in record time. One good thing is that we have roof for the next two nights and we still have the hire car until Friday. I know that we stand a fairer chance here on the Costa del sol as I have previously spend almost a year and a half here. I know my way around a little bit and I know where to look for jobs and accommodation. The obvious factor is of course…funds.

The days are starting to feel like one long day and we are waking up asking “what day is it?” You just know that’s when life is becoming a bit of a blur. So the hostel room in San Pedro is nice but we need somewhere more permanent. There is an English paper that comes out every week but I can’t for the life of me remember what day so we go on the hunt for one. They are distributed in certain places so we go on the hunt at a local internet shop in Calahonda which is about a half hour drive from san Pedro. They tell us that the new edition is out this Friday but gave us last week’s paper. We drove back to the hostel and started searching for jobs and a place to live. I found one number saying free accommodation in exchange for some housework and maintenance work. …bingo this might just be our lucky break. I called the number and arranged to meet up the next day. We also found a telesales vacancy which we arrange an interview for at 3 pm.

The interview for the telesales vacancy

Considering that we have only been here for three days now we are feeling optimistic at the fast pace that things are moving, a job where we can both work would be ideal but the only off putting thing is that its commission only but if we can do it and earn something it would be better than nothing so we go along to find out more, basically its selling timeshare to people in the UK, the job is on the phone from a small office in El Pinnillo working shifts either morning or afternoon. There are about 7 workers there when we arrive 4 of which were starting on that day or had started the day before which sent alarm bells ringing in my head as a high staff turnover in any job is bad news. We have the interview which last about an hour and is very informal and we get offered the job. Call me tomorrow and let me know when you want to start the guy said and that was it really. On the one hand we felt happy that we had landed a job but on the other hand we had nowhere to live and would be losing the car in just a few days so would have no way of getting to the job and would be earning a basic of 50 euros each for the first month and surely it would take a couple of months for us to get commission going. It would cost us to get there every day and the basic commission wouldn’t cover the travel costs let alone lunch or anything so we considered it but declined it and found out the following day that a lot of these timeshare companies are running scams, not to say that this one was but it was a lucky escape for us I think as any deals you made within the first month would be lost anyway if you left after 3 weeks. It just wasn’t for us.

Another night in the car "hello" Marbella

2011-07-25T01:01:00.000-07:00

18/07/2011

I parked the car up near to the police station in Marbella, one reason was cause I thought it would be safer there and the other was so that we could join the mad old queue which forms there every morning from Monday to Friday to apply for Dwayne to get his N.i.e number which is basically the same as our British N.i number but the Spanish version. People usually started queuing at around 5 in the morning and as we were most likely going to be up early anyway we might as well get that done and dusted as we would need it to get paid work. I had already got mine from when I was here before. We woke up to some workmen getting there bits and bobs out of the car, it felt quite embarrassing but what could we really do. Feeling totally disgusting and without being able to wash or brush our teeth we rocked on up to the police station where we had a 2 hour wait till it opened and then another 1 ½ hour wait to be seen. Luckily there is a café opposite that did take away coffee so we downed a couple of those while we waited. Once that was all done we headed straight to the big shopping centre to wash up and then onto San Pedro which was a 15 minute drive away to check into a hostel place that I knew there. The owners were an elderly Spanish couple who did not understand a word of English but with a bit of persistence and a call to their son who did speak English we managed to get checked in. We booked the room for 2 nights and the thought of having to sleep in the car for any more nights was just a nightmare.

our last night in Alicante

2011-07-25T00:57:00.000-07:00

17/07/2011

After our driving disaster in Alicante we were both a bit apprehensive about the drive down to Marbella but it seemed pretty straight forward as long as we followed the coast road. The most confusing thing is that there are road signs in totally different directions that say the go to the same place. After a while we were on toll roads which just seem to be never ending until after about 4 ½ hours we started to see Malaga signs…wow it was a real relief. Our legs were starting to ache from sitting in the car so long and we were getting hungry and tired. We hit a few traffic spots which delayed our arrival time by about two hours. As soon as e got to the beach in Malaga we pulled over and got out to find the nearest eating place. The beach was packed with people looking out onto the sea, then as we got closer we realised that there was a traditional religious ceremony taking place. It felt good to be in a familiar place and the atmosphere was buzzing. We headed straight to the nearest bar and just chilled for about half an hour. The drive to Marbella was another forty minutes. After about an hours rest we got back into the car and headed for Marbella. We knew we would be arriving there before midnight so it was going to be another night of sleeping in the car. Finally when we drove past the Marbella sign I felt like I was home. We had a brief stroll around the Marina and then slept in the car. After having a mice comfy bed for the last 2 nights it was so uncomfortable and so hot.

Exploring Torrevieja

2011-07-25T00:55:00.000-07:00

16/07/2011

For the first time since we have arrived in Spain that we feel normal again after a good nights sleep. Today we are just going to explore the whole area. Our first stop the food shop and then the salt lake. On the way down here we had seen huge mounds of salt, I have never seen so much salt in my life, the salt makes the lakes turn a beautiful pink, and the site is amazing. There are flamingos that we had seen on the way which just had to be seen again. We headed back in the direction of Alicante and after driving for about fifteen minutes we saw all the beautiful flamingos. It was amazing to see them in the wild like that, the only time I have ever seen them in in a zoo. The weather was about 35 degrees with he sun just beating down on us. Although the area was spectacular our plan was to drive down to Marbella the following day. In Torrevieja there is a large expat community but as yet we had not come across a single English person and communication with the Spanish was near on impossible. I had been to Marbella many times before so knew that we could make a go of it there. After eating out at the wok restaurant in the Torrevieja shopping centre we headed back to the hostel for a good nights rest ready for the long 5 ½ hour drive on Sunday. The Wok was a bit of a disappointment and Dwayne and I both had upset stomachs the following day

A place called Torrevieja

2011-07-25T00:52:00.001-07:00

15/07/2011

We woke up feeling very rough indeed after a night in the car, it was exciting to have slept on the beach but it was so hot in the night that all we wanted to do now was a nice hot shower. Just like any homeless person we drove (although I suppose a tramp would have to walk) we went to the nearest shopping centre to wash ourselves and brush our stinking teeth. Then we headed to the beach. I hate paying for parking so we stopped at a freebie area but the beach was all stony, suppose that what you get for being tight…lol. Further up though it was gorgeous at San Juan beach so we jumped straight into the sea which is rated as the second best beach in Spain. Now covered in Sand we washed again in the foot shower and then headed for Torrevieja. Although we had only been in Alicante for six hours we didn’t think much of the place, it just had a weird atmosphere. I know there must be nice bits there but we had never planned to stay in central Alicante from day one. We had looked at the Torrevieja a lot before we left and just wanted to get there to see the salt lakes and flamingos. We set off o what seemed to be a forever journey but turned out just to be 42 km it was most likely the lack of sleep and hunger that made it seem so so so long. We arrived in Torrevieja in the late afternoon. We looked for hostels around the area but could find any. All we wanted to do was go to sleep. The area looked nicer than Alicante and the drive there was very scenic.

Torrevieja

It’s a lively place with a real buzzing atmosphere. The hostel we stayed at cost us 50 euros we took some pics, the green wallpaper was a bit mad especially with the stripy one running along side it. We didn’t know that we were going to end up staying at the Juan Carlos for 2 nights so the second night we took a different room on the second night which was much more modern (I feel so old when I use terms like that) and much brighter, the first room was on the fourth floor. Overall the place was good, the staff were friendly but I would avoid the vending machine as there is a supermarket just across the road where they sell the same drinks for a 1/3 of the price. We had the local tapas which were nice but as I did not know what I was ordering, the kind lady brought us a plate of Tripe which was totally gross and we did not even taste it as the sauce it was covered in tasted absolute disgusting let alone the other stuff….eeeerrrr. I love that they always serve Tapas with bread; the rest of it was yummy.

We walked down to the beach which has got the longest pier I have ever seen, there was a buzzy fair going and a market. It’s mad how you just miss your creature comforts when you haven’t even got a bed and the routine of home and the family. I called Chloe and we spoke for a while, Jae and Olivia did not answer their phones (well Olivia’s dad’s phone, she’s too young to have her own) God I missed them so much, Dwayne wasn’t saying much about how much he was missing everyone but I could see in his eyes that he was.

Roughing it in the Car

2011-07-25T00:50:00.001-07:00

14/07/2011

When we first arrived in Alicante and were driving around for 3 hours we drove through the beginning of the town and encountered about five prostitutes soliciting their services and getting their bits out at us. We stopped at a nearby petrol station where there were 3 scary Hench guys that looked like drug dealers or pimps, I was terrified and wanted to run back into the car and lock the doors and get out of there but Dwayne wasn’t scared at all and in the end once we got served we ended up buying filtered cigars instead of ciggs because we did not have a clue what the sales person was saying. We found the beach, walked around for a bit before roughing it in the car for the night.

14/07/2011 A ten minute Journey

2011-07-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

So I have come prepared, collected the hire car and am ready to drop ...all I need now is to find the hotel which is just a ten minute drive away...lol...or supposed to be. Its all so easy when you know the way but unfortunate for us we did not and so after 3 hours of driving in every direction I pulled over on a lovely bit of the beach where there were a few caravans and lorries parked up and we rough it in the car for the first Night. Arriving at night does have its obvious pitfalls like not being able to see clearly where you are going as well as not being able to see road signs.

14/07/2011 Alicante here I come

2011-07-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

I have packed up my home for the fifth time and am ready to leave the kids to go to Alicante with my new fella Dwayne, he is the kindest person I have met for a long time and his dream for the last ten years has been to move out to Spain since he was on holiday here all those years ago. I knew my life has to change drastically because I have been struggling with depression for long long time. The bills and my ability to hold down any type of work meant that the finances were just getting too much for me and being a single parent was a struggle especially with Olivia-Mae and it was starting to destroy me. I know a lot of people will disapprove of my actions but the truth is that I don’t give a hoot about what people want to say or think, I actually think its great that people will start to talk because the subject of single parenthood is still very much taboo and the assumption that the children have to or should remain with the mother under all circumstances is just ridiculous as far as I am concerned. Whether they live with mum or dad they are always going to feel torn no matter what you do so all you can really do is make them feel loved all round and get along with your ex in order to achieve the best situation for the children.

Our flight had been booked 8 weeks ago and we were flying off at 19.45. For the first time in 18 years I am without any of my children. It feels so strange but how could I drag them out of their comfort zone again, that just would,nt be fair but if either of them did say "mum I want to come and live in Spain with you" then it would be so without any hesitation.

13/07/2011 Olivia-Mae has the Dentist

2011-07-16T09:45:00.001-07:00

Olivia-Mae had a dentist appointment today, I can’t believe and feel such a failure that my 8 year old has to have three more teeth out, she has already had one tooth extracted because it was rotten. Chloe and Jae have got one white filling between them. Her dad met me with her and her Nanny and cousin at the hospital she looked so happy and didn’t even say that she had missed me. On one hand I was upset but on the other it was nice to see her just being the little carefree child that she should be and just playing and laughing with her little cousin, she had just been to the museum and had lots of fun, when it was time to go home with dad she kissed and jumped up onto my waist three times and then just hoped into the van with nanny, cousin and dad. Whilst I am in the area I make the most of it and see Jae at his dads but he is out with his BBF down where we used to live, his dad called him and ordered him to come home to spend some time with me and Chloe, I knew he would not want to leave and come back so we drove down to where he was. I knew it would be a while before I would see him again and I wanted to hug him and give him a kiss, its wasn’t until that moment that I got emotional about the whole situation and what was about to take place…another major upheaval for all of us but I know that in the long run we will all benefit from it.

10/07/2011 The Day I dropped Olivia-Mae and Jae to their dad’s houses

2011-07-16T09:44:00.000-07:00

I knew it was coming for quite a while. Olivia-Mae had been asking to go and live with her dad since she was two years old, his lifestyle is totally different to mine. He has a large family and she had said to me a few months before hand that when she went to him for weekends and in the holidays she always felt so loved and wanted and when she returned home to me she was bored and had no-one to play with. She is a lot like her dad and I know that she loves him to bits, she is his only child and he had asked me about a year and a half ago whether he could have her living with him. She took her three Guine pigs and kitten with her.

Jae had already lived with his dad twice years ago and the friends that he has in that area are life long ones that he has known from he was tiny. The last time he left was due to an on-going custody battle which his dad eventually lost. It caused so much stress and anxiety all round but I knew that Jae needed to be with me at least until he finished school.

Jae said it was the happiest day of his life to be able to go back to live with his dad, his hobby is boxing and down in that area he has his favourite gym. He sees it at a second chance and enjoys going out with his friends. It was very emotional of course but I want to give my children the best experiences of life that I can.

They are all used to change which I think is a priority in this ever changing world, they all know that they are loved and have the support of all three families, mine and their two fathers.

Chloe has gone to live with my mum who adores her and has always been my mums favourite so I knew she would be well looked after, she had the choice to go back to live with her dad but she has made her own life in Essex now and can’t even conceive living back in her old area where she was born and brought up. She is totally spoiled at my mums and takes full advantage of the situation, she has always loved my mums big house and her life can pretty much continue as it is.

Dance Depression Away

2010-12-08T05:19:00.000-08:00

Depression can make you feel like you just want to sleep your life away because it drains your energy away. Nothing is going right and even the things that are great seem insignificant, you just can't shake the blues away. My best medicine is not an antidepressant which is going to give you major side effects, its to put on a classic tune and just dance the depression away. Certain tunes just lift the mood, the beat and the words just make you forget everything. Next step is to get on your feet and move your body. Three or four minutes into the dancing the energy lifts you to another place. Programme you Ipod to all your favourite tunes and within half an hour you feel like you are back to your optimistic old self. make it a ritual once a week minimum and before you know it depression can't get another look in.
Take care and stay well xxx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiIujgfdcCo